A Dead Man In Our Bed
by Zinnith
Summary: A long time after the events of OotP, a certain werewolf thinks back on the years that passed, the friends he lost, and the love he gained. When everything falls down around you, where do you find the strenght to go on?


**Disclaimer: The world and the characters of Harry Potter belong to J.K. Rowling. Cat Davis belongs to me.**

**This story contains spoilers for future chapters of To Love and Quidditch! It also contains spoilers for the un-named and un-written sequel to TLaQ. **

**Summary: Long after OotP, a certain werewolf thinks back on the years that passed by, the friends he lost and the love he gained.**

**English is not my first language.**

xxxxx

**Dead Man In Our Bed **

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There is a dead man in our bed.

It sounds morbid, I know. If Lily had heard me speaking like this, she would have rolled her eyes, laughed and told me that I have a sick mind. In fact, I do have a sick mind, despite what people might think about me. I just hide it well.

There is nothing funny about this though. Even if the corpse between us in the bed is of the spiritual variety, it's not even marginally amusing. It's something we never speak of even though we both know he's there.

xxxxx

But I'm rushing the story. I should start with the beginning, at 12 Grimauld Place, at the time of the second war. Even though she had been offered a permanent place, teaching at Hogwarts, Cat turned it down and came back to London. She's always been coming back here, even though her childhood home was sold long ago and her flat burned down just before she disappeared and left me all alone for all those years.

She returned to Grimauld Place. Sirius willed the house to us, actually. Tonks and her family don't want it, and Harry can still barely stand to come inside the doors. So it was Cat and me who got stuck with the place. At first, when we came back from the Department of Mysteries that night, I was thinking of taking a torch and setting fire to it. I wanted to see it burn, all of it. Those disgusting stuffed elf-heads on the wall. The horrible tapestry with Sirius's name reduced to a scorched burn mark. And most of all, the portrait of old Mrs Black. I wanted to see the flames lick her face and turn her into ashes. That would have felt good.

Cat stopped me. I stood by the drapes in front of the portrait, with my wand in hand, trying to focus enough to form my mouth around the words of the _Incendio_ spell. Cat took the wand from my fingers and pulled the curtains apart. The old hag caught sight of us and the usual racket started. "_Filthy half-breed! Monster! Freaks! Begone from the house of my fathers!"_

Cat listened to her for a while, her face blank and cold. She had not cried yet, and it would take long until she was finally able to let her grief out. "Sirius is dead", she said then, and Mrs Black went silent. It had never happened before, not unless you shut the curtains. Now, her furious screeching died out, and she did not made another sound. Cat reached out her hand and closed the curtains. Then she went to her room, her and Sirius's room, and shut the door.

In the end, I didn't burn the house. I went down to the kitchen instead, opened a bottle of wine, got very drunk, and finally fell asleep at the table from sheer exhaustion. I dreamt of Sirius falling through the veil, again and again, and I reached out my hands to pull him back but I was always too late.

xxxxx

When you lose someone you love, you think that nothing will ever get well again. You can't find any reasons to laugh. You don't _want_ to laugh, because you think that you have no right to enjoy yourself.

The first day I could not think of anything but Sirius. The first thing on my mind when I woke up in the morning was his surprised face, falling through the veil, and it stayed with me through the entire day.

I stayed at Grimauld Place. I don't know why. Sirius hated the place. In many ways, it was the house itself that killed him. Sometimes I wanted to go home, but I always decided against it. I couldn't leave Cat alone.

She stayed as well. I wanted her to come home with me, but she refused. She came up with excuses for staying. She said that someone had to take care of Buckbeak. I told her that the hippogriff would do much better at my home in the countryside, where I had a garden and a nice shed for him to sleep in. She said that someone should stay at Grimauld Place for the Order to report to. I told her that there were owls. Finally she said that she didn't need me mothering her. I didn't have anything to say about that. I stayed with her instead. I was afraid that if I went home and left her alone, she would kill herself, and that was the only thing I could not take then. I had thought her dead once. I had thought that all of my friends were gone. Laura gone to America without a trace. James and Lily dead. Peter dead. Sirius in Azkaban. Cat dead. I thought I was alone, and it was the worst time in my life. Then they came back; Sirius and Cat came back to me. My best friends in the whole world. I had lost Sirius twice. I could not stand the thought of loosing Cat again too, and be truly alone.

It was a selfish reason, but it was the reason that kept me in London, and the reason that kept Cat alive. She did her work for the Order. She ate little and she slept even less. She walked through the house at night, like she was searching for some little trace of Sirius that still remained. I wanted to tell her that if she were looking for Sirius, she wouldn't find him here.

It was when she was sitting on the roof that I was really afraid. Cat always loved flying. Her happiest moments at Hogwarts were spent on a broom, and while Quidditch was close to a religion for Laura, the game was something of a lifeline for Cat. She always used to say that when she was in the air, she felt free. You can imagine how it scared me to see her sitting on the slick roof tiles in the rain, high over the street. Every time I found her up there, I felt that if I had come one moment later, she would have jumped. She wanted to die. She didn't want to live in a world where there was no Sirius Black.

It was on the roof where I finally confronted her. I had almost been to late this time. She was standing near the edge of the roof, looking down on the street below. It rained that night. It always seemed to rain these days. I thought she was going to jump right then, and I hurried up to her and wrapped my arms around her waist from behind to keep her from taking the step out over the edge. I held her hard and felt her shake against me, her body wrecked with violent sobs. I turned her around so she was facing me.

"Look at me, Kitten."

I could hear my own voice, the underlying desperation in it, as I put my hands on Cat's pale cheeks and turned her face up so I could look into her eyes, dark and empty. Sirius had always called her Sapphire girl, because her eyes were so bright blue. Now they seemed flat and lifeless, and the blue colour was dulled and darkened by grief.

xxxxx

"Why did you come back here?" I asked when I was sure I had her full attention. She tried to turn her head, not wanting to meet my eyes.

"Why?" I asked again, a little shocked myself of how angry I sounded.

"I was needed."

The answer came so quiet that I could hardly hear it.

"You still are," I said. "We still need you. _I_ still need you."

"But Sirius…"

"Sirius is gone, Kitten. You won't get him back, and I'm not letting you follow him, do you hear that? I'm not letting you go!"

The tears spilled out of her eyes, like a bucket slowly flooding over, somewhere deep down in the emotionless blue depth, I thought I could see a small glimpse of something. A tiny little spark of life struggling to get out.

"Do you remember seventeen years ago when we left Hogwarts, do you remember what you promised, all of you?" I asked. It had been the last ride back to London with the Hogwarts Express, and I had been afraid that now when we were leaving school, my friends would forget about me and leave me on my own. They all gave me a holy promise that day, that they would never leave me alone. That they would always be my friends. A promise made by children, who had no idea what the future would bring.

Cat continued to struggle against my grip, but I wouldn't let her loose.

"Do you remember?" I asked again. "You promised you would never leave me alone, didn't you? DIDN'T YOU?!"

I could feel how I was loosing my famous self-control; my fingernails were beginning to cut into Cat's face, and left small red marks on her cheeks. She sobbed and tried to get away.

"There's no one left but you now, Kitten. I will hold you to that promise, so help me God."

After that, she didn't return to the roof again. But she still wouldn't leave Grimauld Place, and I stayed with her, because without her I was afraid that I would lose what little sanity I had left. So we both walked around the house at night, too scared to sleep because of the nightmares, and we sat in Order meetings during the day, preparing ourselves for war.

The war came at last. Cat taught Defence at Hogwarts that year, and I returned home for a while, before the real battle begun. I'm not going to tell you anything about the war, because everyone knows how it ended. Harry finally defeated Voldemort, this time for good. And Cat died again, this time for real, and she came back once more, like a miracle. Charlie Weasley said afterwards, half as a joke, half in bitter seriousness, that nothing could kill her. But the truth was that her heart stopped for three minutes, and when it did, a little bit of me died too.

The war was over, but like Cat had told Bill Weasley earlier that year when he had asked her if we really had any change of winning this war; _"We're the good guys. We never win. The only thing we can hope for is not to loose." _

We did not loose the war, but we lost things nevertheless. Albus Dumbledore had sacrificed his life for the children in his care. Funny, outgoing Fred Weasley was dead, one of the first casualties. Tonks' muggle father Ted had been murdered to set an example. The list of dead friends grew long. There was not a single person who had not lost anyone, a dear friend, a lover, a parent, a child.

Still, there were little victories; things that made life worth to live after all. I will always remember the day Severus called me 'Remus' instead of 'Lupin' or 'the werewolf'. I will always remember how Draco Malfoy stood up to his father, like Sirius had done so many years ago. I will always remember how the Dementors disappeared, the creatures that had tormented Sirius for so long. I will always remember Ron proposing to Hermione, with a black patch over the eye he lost in the final battle, and Hermione, for once rendered mute, kissing him with tears in her eyes.

You might not believe it at first, but after some time, the grief is not so hard to bear anymore. It doesn't go away, but you get used to it. It took long before we could finally talk about Sirius again, but when we did, me and Cat found ourselves telling Harry stories about his antics at Hogwarts, the pranks he and James thought up, all the good things he did in life. We could laugh again, without feeling guilty, and it was good. I think that Sirius wanted us to laugh remembering him. When he lived, he was the one always trying to cheer us up, doing anything to draw a smile from our lips. The image I had of his face falling through the veil had been replaced with the memory of his face after the first ride he had on that horrible motorbike of his, wind-tousled hair, excited eyes and a wide happy grin. I think it was the same thing for Cat, for when she talked about Sirius now, she always smiled.

She did not leave Grimauld Place, however. She began to fix the place up, making it her home instead of a filthy shrine of a lost age. I had finally returned home to my own house, but I visited Cat over the weekends, helping her with the restorations. I got to burn the stuffed elf-heads in the end, but I also got to replace them on the wall with photographs from our time at Hogwarts, from James and Lily's wedding, pictures of Harry and his friends. Cat finally found a way to get Mrs Black's portrait down, and we celebrated with butterbeer after we put her away in the cellar. That was the final victory, to see the look on the old hag's face as the 'filthy half-breed daughter of a blood-traitor' she had always detested so much took her down from the wall and wrapped her portrait in an old blanket before putting her in the darkest deepest corner of the cellar.

With some work, 12 Grimauld Place actually turned into quite a nice place to live in. We cleaned the dusty windows and put up curtains in bright colours. We took down the tapestry in the drawing room and painted the wall in a beautiful golden yellow with scarlet edgings. Sirius would have liked that. Gryffindor colours in the noble and ancient house of Black.

Slowly but surely we began to heal. Cat's father Roman always used to say that the wounds in the soul takes longer time to heal than those on the body, and it's harder because they doesn't show. It was painful, and it took time, but we healed. I didn't think of Sirius every waken minute anymore. When I heard a joke or a funny story, my first thought wasn't that I had to tell him about it. Cat put up a picture of him on the wall in the drawing room, but together with it she put up pictures of her parents, of James and Lily, of me and of Harry.

Our lives got back to normal, or as normal as they could be, and just like us, the wizard community begun to heal. Our children were starting to grow up. Ron and Hermione's wedding was on a beautiful May day, and when I looked at them I was reminded of James and Lily's wedding so long ago, but without the constant fear that something would happen to them. Six months later, Bill Weasley married Fleur Delacour, and at their wedding I saw Harry dance very close to Ron and Bill's little sister Ginny.

When Minerva retired, Severus Snape was elected to be the new headmaster of Hogwarts, and it warmed my heart more than I could say when he asked me to become Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher again. I had to say no, for obvious reasons, and later I found out that he had asked Cat first, but it still warmed my heart. After some substitutes, Neville Longbottom finally finished his education and filled the place with honour. As for young Draco, Cat offered him a place at the Department of Mysteries' Dark Arts research office. He is a single father to a daughter now, little Grace, who we all adore. She is the same age as Percy and Penny's twin sons. Yes, they had twins some time ago! George was delirious with the news and he swore to teach them everything he and Fred knew. Losing his brother was not easy for George, but he's coping. He's sharing a flat with Draco and I think it's good for them both. All of our children are frequent guests at nr 12.

xxxxx

Long ago, when we had just left Hogwarts, the Marauders went to the Three Broomsticks to relive old memories and drink butterbeer. It turned out to be quite a lot of butterbeers in the end, not to add the shots of firewhisky that somehow turned up a bit into the evening. We ended up discussing love and girls and possible pairings. James was already head over heels for Lily, and had been so for a couple of years, so he was out of the picture, but he found it very amusing to try to find girls for the rest of us. Sometimes during the conversation, he asked me why I had never got together with Cat. Back then, she was seeing Lucas Andrews, and the thought of her and Sirius together had never touched any of their minds, with the way they were always fighting. I thought about James' question for a while, and I actually couldn't find a good answer. We were good friends, we liked each other, and she had told me on several occasions that me being a werewolf wasn't an issue. So why was it we had never become a couple?

Sirius, having had maybe one shot of whisky too much, came with an answer.

"They would be the perfect match", he said with a wide grin, elbowing me in the side. "But they would never make it to bed, because they have too much to _talk_ about."

A bit rude maybe, but still very true. I loved Cat, and she loved me, but we were nothing but friends then. I was too young and insecure to be willing to risk that kind of relationship. Cat was equally young and insecure, and while no one knew it then, she was on the verge of breaking up with Lucas because her friendship with Sirius made her boyfriend jealous. Somehow everyone had always known that Cat was Sirius's girl, even if it took the two of _them_ long enough to realize it. I never thought any more about James' question.

It's hard to say exactly when my and Cat's close friendship evolved into something more. I often stayed with her at Grimauld Place. She was working hard at the Department, and I made sure she ate and slept enough. I had started to write teaching materials and had quite much control over my own time. When I stayed with her, we acted almost like an old married couple. I had food ready for her when she came home from work. She did my laundry. We sat up in the evenings, talking with each other, or reading in comfortable silence. We never questioned the arrangements, and when she finally came to my bed, it felt like the natural next step to take. So I moved back to London in the end, and 12 Grimauld Place became my home as well.

Our love might not be the wild passion of youth, that leaves your feelings upside down and makes your heart beat like a hammer in your chest, but it is a steady trustable ground to stand on. We were friends long before we became lovers. We know each other almost better than we know ourselves. It feels good. We are talking about getting married, but it seems a bit ridiculous, as we're not exactly young anymore. I turned forty-nine this February, and Cat will be in July. None of us are much for ceremonies. We know where we stand with each other and that's the most important thing, though Molly Weasley keeps nagging us about it being the proper thing to do. I don't know if she wants us to set an example for Harry and Ginny, who has been living together for quite a long time now.

But there is still a dead man in our bed.

It's not every night. It's not even very often. But sometimes I feel like I'm having an affair my best friend's wife. Cat has always been Sirius's girl. She will always be. I know I'm her second choice. It doesn't bother me, and we're never talking about it, but I know I am.

Sirius will always be a part of our lives. I don't know what Cat is telling him when she's alone with his picture in the drawing room, but I know what I hear when I sit waiting for her to come home from the Department when she's been working late. _"Take good care of my Sapphire girl, Moony."_ And I try to do my very best. After all, that's all we can do.

**The End**


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